Wednesday, 15 February 2012
Finnish Jokes About Swedes
In fairness, many of those jokes were already familiar to me in other forms, be it "French jokes about Belgians", "English jokes about the Irish" or "American jokes about Canadians". It just goes to show making fun of one's neighbours is a universal pastime.
Two Swedes have been hunting in the forest and managed to shoot a deer. They are struggling to drag the dead animal through the woods back towards their Volvo, when they come across a Finn.
The Finn says to them: "Wow, that's a great trophy! However, if I may say so, you shouldn't be dragging that deer by its hind legs like that as it's going against the direction of fur so creating a lot of friction. If you drag it from its front legs, you will get much less friction and will find it much easier!"
The Swedes thank the clever Finn for his advice. After 30 minutes of dragging the deer by its front legs, one of the Swedes says to the other: "That was really great advice from that Finnish guy. It is indeed much easier that way!". To which the other replies: "I agree, but the problem is we are getting further and further away from our Volvo!"
Three construction workers, an Australian, a Finn and a Swede, are sitting on a beam on the tenth floor about to have their lunch.
The Australian opens his lunch box and says "Bloody hell - meat pies again! Every day it's bloody meat pies! If I get meat pies again tomorrow, I'm going to jump!"
The Finn opens up his lunch next. "Saatana! Makkara (sausage) again! Always sausages! If I get sausage tomorrow, I'm gonna jump too!"
The Swede is the last to open up his lunch. "Ah crap - meatballs again! Why always meatballs? If I get meatballs tomorrow, I'm going to jump too!"
The next day the Aussie opens his lunch box and it's a meat pie... He jumps to his death.
The Finn opens his lunch box and, yes, it's a sausage. He too jumps to his death.
The Swede opens his lunch and sadly there's a pile of meatballs, so he jumps too.
The three widows of the construction workers are talking at the funeral and the Aussie's wife says "I don't understand. I thought my husband loved meat pies! If he didn't want them he should have said something!"
The Finnish widow says "Same here - I thought my husband wanted sausages! Why didn't he say something?"
The Swede's widow says, "I don't get it... my husband made his own lunch."
A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn are just about to be executed. The Finn is first and he's given a choice of how he's going to be killed. He chooses the guillotine. But then when they try to behead him the machine broke and they let him go free. As he walks off he whispers to the Norwegian and the Swede: "pick the guillotine, it's broken!" So the Norwegian, who is next, chooses the guillotine and because it's broken he's set free as well. The Swede is last. He thinks: "Damn, the guillotine is broken, I better choose the electric chair!"
An American, a Finn and a Swede are in the sauna together. Suddenly there is a "beep beep" sound, and the American starts to look at the palm of his hand.
"What are you doing?" asks the Finn.
The American replies: "This is the latest Apple technology. I've got my pager embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."
Then the familiar old Nokia ring tone is heard, and the Finn starts looking at the palm of his hand.
"What are you doing?" ask the other guys.
The Finn replies: "This is the latest Nokia technology. I've got my mobile phone embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."
The Swede thinks to himself that he'd better not be outdone by these guys, so he leaves the sauna. In a couple of minutes he returns, and there is toilet paper hanging out of his bum!
"What the hell is that??" shout the other guys in unison.
"I'm getting a fax." says the Swede.
A Swede is in a pub in Finland and a regular customer suggests to him: "I'll give you €200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head."
The Swede thinks for a while and finally agrees – seems like an easy way to make some money.
The Finn starts smashing bottles on the Swede's head. One, two, three, ..., seven, eight, nine. Then he stops.
"So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asks the Swede.
"I am not a total idiot," the Finn replies, "if I did, I would have to give you that €200!"
Q: What's the difference between Swedes and mosquitoes?
A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large landmass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Finland, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from Finland are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found travelling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them in Sweden and Russia."
A Swede, a Dane and a Finn got stranded on an island in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly, 10 men with spears appeared from nowhere and before the 3 companions realised anything, the men had tied them up and taken them to their village.
The head of the village was a huge fat pipe-smoking man. He said:
"I'm glad you men have come. Now we're going to put you lot in this pot and cook you for dinner. The Swede goes first!"
So the man boiled the Swede in water for a long period of time, finally he opened the lid and took a taste of the Swede stew: "This tastes like shit!"
Next up, the Dane. The chief put him in the pot and cooked the poor Dane much longer than the Swede. Finally he tasted it and said: "This tastes like shit!"
Finally, the Finn. The chief said: "Alright my friend, it's your turn next! Jump in and you better not disappoint me, this time I'm not using any water! That's right, I'll steam you up with these vegetables. Now get in!"
He put the lid on and started to cook the Finn. The poor Finn spent an enormous amount of time in the chief's pot. Finally the chief said: "Ok, it must be ready now! Come on boys, let's eat!"
Just when he was about to lift the lid the Finn opened it himself, peeked out and said: "Listen chief, you wouldn't happen to have a vihta?"
[Note: Vihta is a thick bunch of birch twigs, used in saunas to slap on oneself to promote blood circulation and cleanse the skin]
Posted by Telefinn at 08:14