Is Santa a Finn?

Some say Santa does not exist. Indeed, some people with too much time on their hands have even gone as far as to propose proof of this. They claim in particular that Santa’s reindeers would explode due to the velocity required of them to deliver parcels all across the globe on Christmas night.

This is all nonsense of course. Santa does exist: I have seen him with my own eyes in shopping malls all over the world. I have also seen him strip to his underpants at a “pikkujoulu” (office Christmas party) in Helsinki, but that’s another story.

Santa’s place of residence is also the subject of much debate. Americans believe Santa lives in the North Pole. That is evidently a ridiculous idea as there are no reindeer in the North Pole. Cleverly, Americans have tried to get around this by giving a town in Alaska the name “North Pole”, but we are not fooled by such a subterfuge.

It is a known fact that Santa actually lives in the suburbs of the small Finnish town of Rovaniemi, on the Arctic Circle. [Edit: actually, he lives in Korvatunturi, but that's his private residence whereas Rovaniemi is his official visiting address]

So could Santa actually be a Finn?

Let’s examine the evidence in favour of that theory:

• He is a man of few words (“Ho-Ho-Ho!”)
• He goes about the arduous task of delivering presents all over the world in just one night, without a moan or a grumble – a real demonstration of the Finnish “sisu” (perseverance in the face of adversity)
• He is not sentimental about reindeer – he drives them hard (close to explosion, apparently, cf. above)
• He has a penchant for silly facial hair
• He travels all over the world, has been to every exotic island and beauty spot on the globe, but still thinks that there is no better place on Earth than Rovaniemi

This is all looking like a foregone conclusion, until we consider the outfit Santa wears: no Finnish man would choose to wear bright red and fluffy clothes. It’s just not what “real men” do.

But hold on: the outfit was actually designed by the Coca Cola company in 1931. Before that, Santa used to wear much more reasonable clothes. So in essence, this is a commercial arrangement, and Santa is just a pragmatist.

I rest my case.